Out Through The Curtain

I have created a persona for myself. An outsider. An observer. The quiet one. It has been this way for most of my life. I have never had trouble making friends. But I have never had that many. I love to hear about people’s lives. I love to get to know everything about them. And even when I just know a little bit I latch onto it. I feel close to them. I want to know more. Always. And while sometimes I can just be around them and figure these things out, I like to actually hear it from them. How they describe the situation in their own words. So I can just ask them. But people don’t just give out information like that. Not most of them at least. They need to know you will listen. And that is something I can do well. But they also need to trust you. And I am trustworthy. But how do they know that? There is my problem. The way most people learn to trust you is by you trusting them. Tell them something about yourself. Let them into to your life. And I have no problem letting people in, but I do have a problem opening up in the first place. I have never been the person to approach someone with my own problems. I can approach someone and ask about their problems, but why would they tell me if I haven’t given them any incentive to. For me to open up though I need someone to approach me first. To ask me questions about my life. And when I give simple answers ask again, but with a more specific point. I need people who have observed me. Watched my actions and listened to what I have been saying. And from that had an idea of what was going on. Or at least an idea that something was going on. So I will actually give a real answer. So I can actually let someone in. So they can actually feel closer to me. That is my problem with being an observer. I try to do what I can to feel close to others. I don’t make the attempt to let them feel closer to me. Just another thing I am learning I do to protect myself. But in reality it creates a situation where I am the only one who can actually get hurt. If I am the only one attached then I am the only one who will feel rejected or distant. And sometimes I feel safer in that situation than one where I can hurt someone else. But that comes with true friendship. It has to be a two sided relationship. I have get over my fear of hurting others and remember that not only do they have to trust me and I have to trust them, but I have to trust myself. That if I truly care for them, I won’t let them go. That I will do whatever I can to care for them. And that I will continue to let them in to my life.