Out Through The Curtain

I know myself, really well. This is dangerous knowledge to have. I know when I have to do things, but I also know I can get them done at the last possible moment. I know what I am going to feel after doing something. Yet I still do some things I know I will not be proud of later. But I also know I will learn something from every choice I make. Even if I know what I will learn about my choice though, I still feel the need to test my prediction. My guess is always right. But I know to never let myself do something I wouldn’t be able to get over. Sometimes I get bored of knowing these things so I think about doing something out of my element. But my stubbornness gets the best of me. I keep myself safe. For the most part. 

The problem with knowing this is that I know if I apply myself to most of these things I will be successful. But I know I won’t actually end up applying myself.  I will distract myself. I will put the minimum amount of effort into what I need to do. Because I know if I put in all of the effort and it doesn’t turn out how I want it to, I will be disappointed. I will feel like I wasted time.

I know that this is called fear. I know that these are lies. I know that I don’t really know what will happen. I know that in my mind I would rather feel like I know everything than to branch out and do things differently. I know that it might break me down. I know that after I go through it all I will be a different person.

And I won’t know that person. I will have rediscover who I am. I will have to find new ways to do things. And with all of that experience these ways will be better. And while I won’t know myself as well, I will understand myself so much more.

So I know I need to change these things. I know it will benefit me. But I know I won’t do it right away. I will stay in my bubble of comfort for a little longer. Until one day I will know it is finally time to stop wanting these things and I will actually do them.

And I don’t know when that day will be. I don’t know what event will finally push me to change. I don’t know how long the process will be. I don’t know what I will discover during that journey. I don’t know if I like the idea of that yet. But it will be worth it.